Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
