just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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