There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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