he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
