just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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