You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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