I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
