Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
