I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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