How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
