sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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