I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
