I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
