i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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