2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you didnt know i had herpes?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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