Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
