my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I smell stomach acid.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
