Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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