So drunk its hurt
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
