I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
