i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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