I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
