Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
