White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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