elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
