i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
