I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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