you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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