You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i dont even know how to be here
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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