Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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