I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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