its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
