I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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