i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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