Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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