my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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