I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
