I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
