so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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