I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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