If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
