doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
