Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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