I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
