for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
