2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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