I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
