I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
