Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
