its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
