your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
