she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
