I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
