I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i was born a porn star she said
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
